"Running If You Call My Name"

"I'll keep on running if you come my way"

What had been the glue between them? Chemistry. Chemistry is electric, immediate and makes one feel fully alive. But, it can't be the only thing or the transformer ultimately blows up. There must be compatibility, shared interests, longevity, a desire to share a committed relationship, however you negotiate that to look. When we're running on chemistry alone, we tend to overlook dealbreakers of ours because we're riding high on a drug called desire.

JJ said Ana would get hung up on him before he split up with her. He did his best to make that happen by sending her pop songs with ambiguous meanings like, I Want It That Way, by the Backstreet Boys, which expressed,

"you are my fire,

the one desire,

believe when I say,

I want it that way"

yet also

"but we are two worlds apart,

can't reach to your heart,

when you say,

that I want it that way,"

then the chorus is completely divided with

“tell me why,

I never want to hear you say,

I want it that way,”

Even the Backstreet Boys weren't sure what the song’s message was, but it was a hit, so they wanted it that way, too).* The message was confusing. Ana and JJ were done, but maybe they weren't? That seemed to be what he wanted, the ambiguity. She had grown up immersed in ambiguous messages in her family, so JJ's ambiguous messages felt like home to her, which is why she was hesitant to let him go. The unconscious belief was if she could just make it work with him, she'd be healed, so it was very hard to let go when she had given him so much power. She held hope. She felt he held the key, but like Dorothy in, The Wizard of Oz, the key was within her and her journey, not in him.

In Ana's family, when her mother had emotional outbursts directed at Ana, the expectation was it would be forgotten, not discussed. Her mother wanted Ana to take care of her emotionally. Ana's feelings weren't much valued so half the time she didn't know how she felt. When there's no one close to you telling you your feelings are valid when you’re a child, and they’re getting angry at you if you express feelings or thoughts they don't like, you're a bit lost. You can survive in a family in various ways - rebel, people please, become who you think they want, over-achieve, bury your own feelings, etc., then carry these behaviors forth into your adult life. Ana wasn't aware she was still carrying this around as a grown woman. It was getting in her way of having a loving relationship for life, but until she could see it, she'd continue to live it.

So, instead of accepting the fact that they weren't compatible and spending time to change the script she’d been living, Ana mourned the loss of what might have been, beat herself up for not being different, for not traveling with him when he asked her, and listened many times to ridiculous messages he left her when he was drunk, as if they held hidden meaning. The hidden meaning was that until she figured out how to value herself, she'd continue to let men who weren't a good fit into her life.

Ana is now happily in a long-term, committed relationship. She did some personal growth work plus wrote about the qualities and values she was seeking, and made those non-negotiable. If she were single and met JJ now, they might have had 1 or 2 dates, but he wouldn’t make it past her dealbreakers now. For ex., she didn't want to be with a partner who smoked with any regularity - he was a daily weed smoker. She had grown up having her feelings ignored and felt a person who medicated himself daily would also abandon both of their feelings so it was a dealbreaker for her. Once she'd have run after him like an addict seeking her next fix, but now would have run from him if he called her name, telling herself someone better was on his way.

* https://www.insider.com/backstreet-boys-i-want-it-that-way-lyrics-explained-2018-6

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