What are boundaries in a love relationship and why do you want them?
It’s easy to think when newly in love, “we are amazing together and who needs to draw any lines between us”, but boundaries are actually very helpful right from the beginning.
For example, if you know you want to be in a committed relationship leading to marriage, it’s important to put that on the table on the first or second date. Yes, that soon, because you’ll find out if he wants that, too - if he doesn’t, that’s your boundary which you’ll hold for yourself as you continue to look for someone who wants what you want. Please do not try to convince a man who’s telling you he doesn’t want what you want or think you’ll change his mind - that’s a different article, but the short version is you’re not respecting his boundary which he’s honestly sharing with you.
There are plenty of men who want to be in a committed relationship, and many who don’t, but once you say that’s what you want, any man with integrity will tell you what he wants, too, whether it’s to settle down or play the field.
Boundaries in a relationship are when you let someone know in advance what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t. When you hold onto your own boundaries, it shows you that you value yourself - it shows them, too. This can be done kindly, with lightness - it doesn’t need to be delivered with force.
For example, during a heat wave Alice wanted help from her partner Bob to install an AC in her office, but she was going out to meet colleagues, too. Bob said he was happy to help her, but he had to get up early the next morning so 9pm was the latest he was willing to help her. Alice said she’d be home by 9pm, no problem, but she wasn’t. She arrived home closer to 10pm, and still wanted his help. He was getting ready for sleep and said it would have to wait til the next afternoon. That’s a boundary. Alice was pissed that Bob was keeping his word, but she hadn’t kept her word and failed to note that. This kind of relational see-saw gets uncomfortable between members of a couple when one person doesn’t take responsibility for their part.
Boundaries help you to get along better when you, and your partner, too, has expressed what works for you/them up-front, and what doesn’t, too. The wonderful thing about a relationship is you can negotiate. Good relationships have partners who each express their boundaries in a friendly way, and who feel free to ask to negotiate, too. Things get hairy when no one is talking about what they want or don’t want - so going underground with their wants, expecting mind-reading from the other person. That is a set-up for failure, because you know as well as I do mind-reading is not a possibility - it’s immature to expect that of a partner as an adult.
You want to name your boundaries when it’s appropriate and in context. On the first or second date, naming what you’re seeking from a relationship is in context and appropriate, plus it weeds out the players, ha ha, if that’s not what you’re seeking.
Telling a man you won’t sleep with him when he isn’t asking is premature and out of context. Get it? There’s time for that if he tells you he wants to be in an exclusive relationship, but you want exclusivity, monogamy and a long-term relationship leading to marriage (if that’s what you want). That’s when you name your boundaries for him and find out if he agrees to them. If not, tell him why they’re important to you, and keep looking.
Taking this action contributes to your own long-term happiness.
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