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Dangerous Liaisons & Wise Repairs
Who's Driving Your Behavior When You're Triggered?
Do you want you to be able to open your heart courageously without fear? Or does that scare the sh*t out of you?
Jane was beginning to resent her long-term boyfriend, Don. They'd been together 4 years. She realized she’d always been the one to bring up the future: where were they going together in life, did he see a future, did he want to marry - all were brought up by her, not him.
She was feeling their future wasn't relevant to him, but first she had to talk to him, and see where he was with all this, to get a definitive answer, give him a chance to reflect and answer, and tell her what he wanted.
When people are scared and fearing being hurt, they often react trying to control things, which results in getting exactly what was feared - pain.
Jane's way of dealing with sadness was to withdraw, to shut down. She’d learned this in childhood, but wasn’t very aware of it. We can't change the past, but we can look at it differently so we can free ourself to love now because our life, our story is now - not the past.
To withdraw is not exactly relational, though it may feel safe.
When Jane noticed she was once again reacting from a younger part of herself, she swerved, and made a plan to talk with Don. He was at an important conference for his career. She decided to wait until he was home, when she was back, too, from a family visit, so tabled the conversation til then. In this instance, waiting, being less reactive, was opening her to loving fearlessly yet more relationally, too. Win/win. She wasn’t going to bury the conversation either, but could wait to bring it up soon, at a better time for both of them. That inability to wait had been the younger self driving. The conscious, wiser adult self took over allowing her to see the bigger picture.
Relationships are to some degree dangerous, otherwise there'd be no place for vulnerability. But, it's where we do our best 'work' of connecting, loving and growing beyond our individual mindset, into a we.
We retain our ‘selves’, but build lives together as a 'we' with all that affords us.
I can help you identify your own automatic reactions + ways to handle them more relationally, too, whether you're in a relationship or looking for one.
If you’d like to speed up your love-life and accelerate your growth, I can help you. Schedule a 30 min Zoom with me: https://calendly.com/allison_evans/consult-call
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