Can This Old Friendship Be Salvaged?

Should I stay or should I go?

I’m still figuring this out, but I have a very old friend, one I’ve known since I was 15 in Richmond, VA. So, a very long time.

She followed me to Boston, stayed with me a few weeks way back when I moved there. Once she created her own life here, she moved to Southie, while I eventually ended up on the other side of the Charles river, in Somerville, Arlington, then finally Cambridge. We see each other maybe once a year, if that, occasionally catch up on the phone. She feels like family because I’ve known her for so long, but I stay in touch more with my immediate family and close friends because they are available in ways she isn’t. See, she is very busy. Always, “coming up for air.”

We had a phone date last Wed., but she was too busy for that so we ended up rescheduling to Friday night. It was a 13 minute conversation, starting off simply enough as we talked about an old friend of ours who is bedridden, unable to walk for the past 2 years, after a mysterious surgery issue. From there she pointed the conversation to when she “could barely walk a block after a shot” - not the same thing as not being able to walk, but I could see where this conversation was heading. She really hoped the new administration would clean things up and less processed food would be highlighted. I knew she was referring to RFK. I didn’t take that bait, but did ask if she likes what Musk is doing and if she had read Project 2025. That started off a round of yelling at me, that she “doesn’t give a shit about politics, but I can tell you 5 things I did today, because I work my ass off!” Referring to Musk asking federal workers in departments other than DOGE, what 5 things they did this week. There was much yelling by her, repeating she “doesn’t give a shit about politics” many times. I kept repeating, “I’m going to hang up if you don’t stop yelling,” which I did after the third try.

The call was very rattling and upsetting to me. Our catch-up calls or visits have never been like this before. I must admit I don’t truly know her anymore. Nor does she know me. I was more high-strung and wild in my 20’s, but tended towards depression, too. I have done much work and changed in ways I’m happy with.

I texted her the next day that I don’t deserve to be yelled at like that, that maybe our friendship would survive, time would tell. She responded the next day with a many paragraphs long, vitriolic text, calling me “a Karen” and telling me everything she thinks has been wrong with me since the early days in college, that maybe our friendship would survive, time will tell.

I responded, “OK” then deleted the text thread so I couldn’t re-read her toxic words. I have a way of raking myself over the coals - old behavior as in “yes, there is something wrong with me and this confirms it.” I didn’t want to indulge in that kind of thinking, by using a hypnosis trick of simply not letting it in. Responding “OK” to her and not indulging in the old painful pattern are growth for me.

The question remains: to let her and the friendship go entirely or to suggest we never talk about politics? After the things she wrote in that final text, I feel I’d be asking for punishment if I raise a white flag. I can put politics aside - I do it with some family members so we can have peaceful relationships. So, really, can I let go of her comments meant to hurt me? I’m sitting with that.

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